it ruined more than just my trip

i feel like i need to write this out because i genuinely never thought this whole thing would stay with me for this long. i thought after the trade shows ended, after i came back to the office, after a few nights of sleep, i would slowly get over it. but somehow it still hurts exactly the same.

people always say you never stop learning new things about yourself. i used to think i was someone who could handle anything. i thought i was strong-willed. i thought i was the type who could quietly tahan things and move on without making a big deal out of it.

honestly, i’ve always been okay with people disappointing me. i can compromise. i can suffer a little. i can let things slide. my friends even joke that i don’t really have a bottom line because of how much i tolerate from people.

apparently i do have one.

and somehow, my bottom line is skynani and dewtee.

last week was a huge week for me because of the Wu first episode screening event in bangkok. it is my first time seeing nani again after four months. truthfully, if i was still handling work alone, i probably wouldn’t have gone at all. there were too many things happening at work around the same time and i knew it would be hard for me to properly work remotely from another country.

but recently, someone new joined the team.

so for the first time in a while, i thought maybe things could actually work out.

the second the screening details announcement came out, i booked my flight ticket almost immediately. after that, i properly discussed everything with him. i explained my plans, my schedule, my responsibilities : everything. i even told him jokingly but also very seriously, “i can do everything as long as i can see my boys. i don’t even have a boyfriend. my motivation is literally my boys.”

and i trusted him with that.

that whole weekend was already exhausting enough. it was a long weekend. he went on holiday too, i don’t really mind working until saturday because i also asked for his help the coming tuesday. so yeah, i was still working in the office right before catching my saturday night flight to bangkok, just because the staff we fired left unfinished work behind.

monday was honestly still okay.

i was still working remotely from bangkok, sorting out expenses, replying messages, handling things from there. tiring, but manageable. i thought everything would be fine because at least there were still him covering the workload and stand-by.

and then tuesday came.

the exact same day as dew’s onitsuka event and the wu first episode screening. the only purpose i even fly to bangkok.

around 9:30 am 🇲🇾 time, he texted saying he took sick leave and my boss would handle things instead.

and i don’t think anyone understands how hard my heart dropped in that moment.

because we are not some huge team with many people covering each other. it’s literally just the two of us. if one person disappears, everything naturally falls onto the other person.

which meant me.

and the worst part is, how was i supposed to just switch off my phone and enjoy bangkok peacefully after hearing that?

i couldn’t.

i genuinely couldn’t.

so instead of enjoying the day i had been waiting for, i sat there crying while replying messages, handling work, liaising with people, trying to make sure nothing collapsed from another country.

usually whenever i’m in bangkok, i’d already be tagging place by 9 am 🇹🇭 time. but that day, i was so anxious and overwhelmed that i couldn’t even shower until 1 pm because i was scared to step away from my phone.

after that i rushed straight to Central Park for dew’s Onitsuka event. technically there was still time before the screening because gates only opened at 6:30 pm, but emotionally everything already felt ruined.

while everyone else was enjoying bangkok, i was trying not to break down in public.

and honestly, i think that’s the part that hurts me most.

because of him, i spent hours crying during something i waited so long for.

because of him, i couldn’t properly tag my place for dew the way i wanted to.

because of him, i was too late to even see dew’s artwork in Asoke.

because of him, i missed buying the Wu first episode merchandises and literally wasted the luggage space i paid extra for.

and according to my friends, i looked completely dead during the photo benefit.

well… obviously.

that’s what happens when someone spends five hours crying before meeting the people they love most.

and maybe this all sounds dramatic to other people. maybe people will think, “it’s just celebrities,” or “it’s just an event.” but i think what hurts me the most is realising how much my boys actually mean to me.

they became my comfort during difficult days. the thing i look forward to after exhausting work weeks. the thing that genuinely motivates me to keep going.

so when someone ruined an experience connected to them, it didn’t feel small to me at all.

it felt HUGE.

and the truth is, i cannot forgive him for it.

what makes it worse is knowing he could’ve just told me earlier if he wanted a proper long weekend. i would’ve understood. seriously. i probably wouldn’t even have flown to bangkok if i knew things would end up like this.

at least then i could’ve avoided this horrible emotional mess entirely.

instead, i trusted him.

and somehow that trust ended up ruining one of the moments i was looking forward to the most.

the ugly part is… i later found out he has an important event coming soon too, hobby-wise lmao. and there’s this terrible side of me that wants revenge so badly. i want to take sick leave too. i want him to panic (he probably won’t though lolz) i want him to experience the same helplessness and disappointment i felt that day.

because trust should go both ways.

i even told him before: there are only two of us, which means we survive by covering each other.

but when i needed him most, he disappeared.

today is already my second day back at the office after the event ended and somehow i’m still not okay. sometimes the sadness randomly comes back and i can physically feel it sitting heavily in my chest all over again.

and the craziest thing is, i still talk to him normally at work. i still answer his questions. i still try to act okay.

but internally, i keep replaying everything over and over again.

sometimes i even get random flashes of dew in my head and suddenly i feel like crying again.

maybe i really am dramatic.

maybe i really do feel things too deeply.

but i think this whole experience made me realize something about myself.

i can tolerate a lot when it comes to me.

but the second something touches the things i love most, i completely fall apart.

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promise rings

traditionally, promise rings are given from one partner to another to promise a future. i think this sentiment is very sweet but i felt inspired to own one for myself instead. despite not being able to buy a new one, i’m very content with this stunning super sparkly gold ring that i took from my mum's box– because it makes me happy.

this may sound strange to some, but after everything i’ve accomplished, and how far i’ve come over the past few years, i think i should promise my own self a few things too.

things like:

– i promise to love myself.
– i promise not to give up on love.
– i promise to fight for what I believe in.
– i promise to take care of my health, both physically and mentally, to the best of my ability.
– i promise to be honest about my fears, dreams, wants, and emotions.
– i promise to keep an open mind and to meet new people.
– i promise to get out of bed and do something productive, even on days when it feels impossible.
– i promise to put my family first.
– i promise to remind people how much i value them.
– i promise to try new things, to keep learning, to not give up.
– i promise not to lose hope, to doubt myself, or worry myself too much.
– i promise to stay true to the person i am and who i want to be.
– i promise to remind myself that i’m totally capable of a lot of really cool things.

and while i know there will be days that i'll bend or break these promises, i think that vowing these things to myself today, through some sort of physical symbol like this ring, (which i’ll see right in front of my face every day – it’s too sparkly to miss), i'll work twice as hard to stay committed to my goals.

this ring will also serve as a reminder to me, to take care of myself, and to not lose sight of what’s truly important to me – because i’ve tied its significant meaning to so many important things.

i’ve always found value in promises, (especially pinky promises), but i always thought promises were something you HAD to share with someone else.

these days, i’m enjoying the thought of this promise ring being all about me and my commitment to just myself – my dreams, my wants, and about what i know will make me the most happy in this life ❤️

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who is Jack Frost

evening peeps. today i would like to talk about something familiar to everyone hahaha. well based on the title i know you guys could guess already. yeah, fictional characters. throughout my life, i've known quite a number of fictional characters. not only me obviously i mean literally everyone. from comics, books, tv series and even movies, the world is filled with them.

so i'm pretty sure everyone have their fictional character crushes. don't even pretend that you don't have them because that is just, illogical. i mean if there is truly a living human-being, without having any crushes on fictional character.... that is just.... wow dude you missed out. big time. fictional character crushes, like an actual person crushes, are real.

there is no classic rebel without cause, sarcastic and mischievous fourteen years old boy (mentally 300+) with white hair and blue eyes name Jack Frost in this world. he didn't actually exist. he may be fictional but a crush is still a crush. 

all these characters that i watch or read, they teach me something. informal yes but still as important as what i learn academically. sometimes my friends annoy the hell out of me. when they asked me who i like, my first respond is always the current fictional character that i adore. but then they asked again. wanting to know my "real" crush whatever that shit means. 

when you like someone, it doesn't always mean that you want a future with them. that is not like anymore i'm sure in that context it's already escalated from like to love. i'm fourteen years old for god sake. it's a joke to love someone right now other than my parents. i mean, be real please. i know some of my friends date each other and all of that but i am pretty content with my dreamy guys.

fictional crush is a special kind of crush i tell you, of course, one sided but strangely satisfying, it says a lot about you as a person. i'm an avid fan of Harry Potter. there are the kind of people who crush on Harry, and the kind of people who crush on Draco. and then there are the kind of people who crush on Ron–poor, deranged souls. they are all lovely people, but–different.

this topic about who you like more after watching a series or movies are THE BEST. teaming up with my friends who has the same opinion as me and arguing facts and try to get a point for Edward against Jacob for example. damn i could never get tired of that. i wonder if i would ever stop having fictional crushes but my guess is not. i've always been so serious and passionate of what i like. i love being in a fandom and talk about what and who i like.

i love discussing about fictional characters, about their journey, their hardships, their arcs. be it Twilight, NCIS, Marvel or even classics like Pride and Prejudice (oh my God, mr Darcy). everyone will agree that this is the most enduring kind of crushes that exist in this reality. 

back to my boy, i didn't watch the movie in cinema but yesterday my lil brother came home with a DVD. i thought it was Iron Man 3 but heyy, he surprised me when he showed me Rise of The Guardians instead. i like everything about the movie. it is set in The Golden Age and the whole universe is surreal.

i couldn't get my eyes off the spirit of mischief i had to change my twitcon and header to his. so here's another picture of my cute boy for all readers. adios.

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