i keep choosing him

i used to think it was simple. just being a fan, just liking someone from a distance, just watching a life that was never meant to overlap with mine. but then it became something else without me really noticing when it changed.

i started going to his events like it was the most natural thing in the world. standing in lines that felt too long, arriving earlier than i needed to, planning my days around moments that would only last a few seconds. it never felt like a burden. if anything, it felt like a choice i kept making over and over again without needing to justify it.

every time i see him, it feels like the world narrows down to something small and intense. the crowd disappears in my mind even though i know it’s there. all i can focus on is him, the way he moves, the way he smiles, the way he exists so effortlessly in a space that feels unreal to me but completely natural to him.

i don’t know everything about him. i only know pieces. fragments collected from interviews, appearances, and the brief moments where our worlds almost touch but never quite meet. and maybe that is all it will ever be. maybe it is not meant to be anything more than that.

but still, i find myself caring in a way that grows instead of fades.

it’s strange how someone can give you so many reasons without ever directly trying to. the way he speaks to fans like we matter in that moment. the way he carries himself with a kind of gentleness that feels honest even from far away. the way he makes me feel like showing up was never a waste of time.

i keep telling myself it should plateau at some point, that feelings like this are supposed to stay the same when there is no return, no progression, no real closeness. but it doesn’t. it deepens quietly, in ways i don’t always have language for.

maybe that is what makes it real in its own way. not possession, not certainty, just presence. me choosing to be there, again and again, even when i know how the distance will always stay the same.

and still, every time i see him, i leave with more than i came with. not because he gives me everything, but because somehow, he gives me just enough to make me come back with a heart that feels a little fuller than before.

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it ruined more than just my trip

i feel like i need to write this out because i genuinely never thought this whole thing would stay with me for this long. i thought after the trade shows ended, after i came back to the office, after a few nights of sleep, i would slowly get over it. but somehow it still hurts exactly the same.

people always say you never stop learning new things about yourself. i used to think i was someone who could handle anything. i thought i was strong-willed. i thought i was the type who could quietly tahan things and move on without making a big deal out of it.

honestly, i’ve always been okay with people disappointing me. i can compromise. i can suffer a little. i can let things slide. my friends even joke that i don’t really have a bottom line because of how much i tolerate from people.

apparently i do have one.

and somehow, my bottom line is skynani and dewtee.

last week was a huge week for me because of the Wu first episode screening event in bangkok. it is my first time seeing nani again after four months. truthfully, if i was still handling work alone, i probably wouldn’t have gone at all. there were too many things happening at work around the same time and i knew it would be hard for me to properly work remotely from another country.

but recently, someone new joined the team.

so for the first time in a while, i thought maybe things could actually work out.

the second the screening details announcement came out, i booked my flight ticket almost immediately. after that, i properly discussed everything with him. i explained my plans, my schedule, my responsibilities : everything. i even told him jokingly but also very seriously, “i can do everything as long as i can see my boys. i don’t even have a boyfriend. my motivation is literally my boys.”

and i trusted him with that.

that whole weekend was already exhausting enough. it was a long weekend. he went on holiday too, i don’t really mind working until saturday because i also asked for his help the coming tuesday. so yeah, i was still working in the office right before catching my saturday night flight to bangkok, just because the staff we fired left unfinished work behind.

monday was honestly still okay.

i was still working remotely from bangkok, sorting out expenses, replying messages, handling things from there. tiring, but manageable. i thought everything would be fine because at least there were still him covering the workload and stand-by.

and then tuesday came.

the exact same day as dew’s onitsuka event and the wu first episode screening. the only purpose i even fly to bangkok.

around 9:30 am 🇲🇾 time, he texted saying he took sick leave and my boss would handle things instead.

and i don’t think anyone understands how hard my heart dropped in that moment.

because we are not some huge team with many people covering each other. it’s literally just the two of us. if one person disappears, everything naturally falls onto the other person.

which meant me.

and the worst part is, how was i supposed to just switch off my phone and enjoy bangkok peacefully after hearing that?

i couldn’t.

i genuinely couldn’t.

so instead of enjoying the day i had been waiting for, i sat there crying while replying messages, handling work, liaising with people, trying to make sure nothing collapsed from another country.

usually whenever i’m in bangkok, i’d already be tagging place by 9 am 🇹🇭 time. but that day, i was so anxious and overwhelmed that i couldn’t even shower until 1 pm because i was scared to step away from my phone.

after that i rushed straight to Central Park for dew’s Onitsuka event. technically there was still time before the screening because gates only opened at 6:30 pm, but emotionally everything already felt ruined.

while everyone else was enjoying bangkok, i was trying not to break down in public.

and honestly, i think that’s the part that hurts me most.

because of him, i spent hours crying during something i waited so long for.

because of him, i couldn’t properly tag my place for dew the way i wanted to.

because of him, i was too late to even see dew’s artwork in Asoke.

because of him, i missed buying the Wu first episode merchandises and literally wasted the luggage space i paid extra for.

and according to my friends, i looked completely dead during the photo benefit.

well… obviously.

that’s what happens when someone spends five hours crying before meeting the people they love most.

and maybe this all sounds dramatic to other people. maybe people will think, “it’s just celebrities,” or “it’s just an event.” but i think what hurts me the most is realising how much my boys actually mean to me.

they became my comfort during difficult days. the thing i look forward to after exhausting work weeks. the thing that genuinely motivates me to keep going.

so when someone ruined an experience connected to them, it didn’t feel small to me at all.

it felt HUGE.

and the truth is, i cannot forgive him for it.

what makes it worse is knowing he could’ve just told me earlier if he wanted a proper long weekend. i would’ve understood. seriously. i probably wouldn’t even have flown to bangkok if i knew things would end up like this.

at least then i could’ve avoided this horrible emotional mess entirely.

instead, i trusted him.

and somehow that trust ended up ruining one of the moments i was looking forward to the most.

the ugly part is… i later found out he has an important event coming soon too, hobby-wise lmao. and there’s this terrible side of me that wants revenge so badly. i want to take sick leave too. i want him to panic (he probably won’t though lolz) i want him to experience the same helplessness and disappointment i felt that day.

because trust should go both ways.

i even told him before: there are only two of us, which means we survive by covering each other.

but when i needed him most, he disappeared.

today is already my second day back at the office after the event ended and somehow i’m still not okay. sometimes the sadness randomly comes back and i can physically feel it sitting heavily in my chest all over again.

and the craziest thing is, i still talk to him normally at work. i still answer his questions. i still try to act okay.

but internally, i keep replaying everything over and over again.

sometimes i even get random flashes of dew in my head and suddenly i feel like crying again.

maybe i really am dramatic.

maybe i really do feel things too deeply.

but i think this whole experience made me realize something about myself.

i can tolerate a lot when it comes to me.

but the second something touches the things i love most, i completely fall apart.

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