i keep choosing him

i used to think it was simple. just being a fan, just liking someone from a distance, just watching a life that was never meant to overlap with mine. but then it became something else without me really noticing when it changed.

i started going to his events like it was the most natural thing in the world. standing in lines that felt too long, arriving earlier than i needed to, planning my days around moments that would only last a few seconds. it never felt like a burden. if anything, it felt like a choice i kept making over and over again without needing to justify it.

every time i see him, it feels like the world narrows down to something small and intense. the crowd disappears in my mind even though i know it’s there. all i can focus on is him, the way he moves, the way he smiles, the way he exists so effortlessly in a space that feels unreal to me but completely natural to him.

i don’t know everything about him. i only know pieces. fragments collected from interviews, appearances, and the brief moments where our worlds almost touch but never quite meet. and maybe that is all it will ever be. maybe it is not meant to be anything more than that.

but still, i find myself caring in a way that grows instead of fades.

it’s strange how someone can give you so many reasons without ever directly trying to. the way he speaks to fans like we matter in that moment. the way he carries himself with a kind of gentleness that feels honest even from far away. the way he makes me feel like showing up was never a waste of time.

i keep telling myself it should plateau at some point, that feelings like this are supposed to stay the same when there is no return, no progression, no real closeness. but it doesn’t. it deepens quietly, in ways i don’t always have language for.

maybe that is what makes it real in its own way. not possession, not certainty, just presence. me choosing to be there, again and again, even when i know how the distance will always stay the same.

and still, every time i see him, i leave with more than i came with. not because he gives me everything, but because somehow, he gives me just enough to make me come back with a heart that feels a little fuller than before.